Feeling safe, protected and cared for is so wonderful. Moms and dads thrive on making sure their children are wrapped inside the comfort of recognizing their needs will be met, giving the safety net that allows them the confidence to explore the world about them. But there comes a phase in all children’s lives when the longing for self-sufficiency exceeds the benefit of protection, and they have to experience directly what it really means to stumble, fall and get up by themselves.
These types of protective instincts oftentimes activate once more for adult children towards elderly moms and dads. We wish to assist them in reducing risks, to keep them protected from harm. Yet at the same time, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of overprotectiveness when caring for seniors If we’re not careful, which can lead to feelings of anger and resentment on the part of the senior parents.
As mentioned by professor of human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University Steven Zarit, “One of the scariest things to people as they age is that they don’t feel in control anymore. So if you tell your dad not to go out and shovel snow, you assume that he’ll listen. It’s the sensible thing. But his response will be to go out and shovel away … It’s a way of holding on to a life that seems to be slipping back.”
A recent study looked into the impact of stubbornness in seniors’ relationships with their adult children. Even though the elders were less inclined to rate themselves as appearing stubborn, their younger family members more often considered stubbornness being an issue. The important thing for adult children is in being familiar with their senior parents' reason behind digging in their heels to hold onto their freedom and autonomy, and to refrain from arguing and producing a mindset of defensiveness. Clear, open and honest communication between both parties can go far towards smoothing the waters and making sure everyone is heard and understood.
So what exactly is the simplest way to care for our older family members without trying to control them? A good dosage of patience, respect and empathy can go some distance. Putting yourself in the senior’s shoes and knowing the importance of independence will allow for adult children to step back, as opposed to stepping in. Allow the extra time an older adult needs to finish a task, rather than doing the work for the senior. Continue to look for opportunities to show the senior you appreciate his or her input and guidance. For further suggestions about offering care that doesn’t cross the line, or to learn more about our senior in-home care and respite care services, contact Independence-4-Seniors Home Care of Hinsdale, IL.